Finding Joy Amidst the Pain

Seven years ago today, Mark and I checked into the hospital to deliver our unborn child who we had found out the day before (on my birthday no less) had passed away. Gone. Never to see a sunrise or sunset. Never to breathe in fresh fall air. Just gone. So many hopes and dreams we had for this child lay in ruin within our hearts. I am not going to lie -it was a dark time. This was our third loss, but the only one I had to actually deliver. It was a long day/night. When the sweet boy finally came, I remember just feeling so broken and even mad. Thoughts came to my mind like:

Why? Why did this happen again? What was wrong with me? Why if God is good, did this keep happening? Will it ever not hurt? Will I ever have another child?

Some would say I was depressed there for a while. They would probably be right. Yet that didn't give me a mental illness, it made me human. Hard things happen to all of us. No one gets through this life unscathed. Death, sickness, evil - they are all part of this broken world. However, there is so much joy to be had. Joy is a choice not a feeling, which is the biggest thing I learned during this particular season of my life. I could choose joy while being in pain. I could choose joy though my heart was broken. Think about these verses in Habakkuk 3:17-19.

17) Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, 18) yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. 19) God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feel like the deer's; he makes me tread on my high places.

This is some heavy stuff if you really think about it. Given the culture of when this was written, Habakkuk is expressing a deep and terrible loss. He starts with figs which were the main source of sweetener during this time. You could survive without that, but it progresses to olives which were a staple in their cooking, to wheat (fields) which their loss would cause starvation. Then sheep/goats (flocks) which were their main source of meat, milk, and wool. It would not be easy to live and thrive without these things. Habakkuk speaks of utter destruction of worldly goods. This situation shows a people with nothing. No hope, no way to survive. Yet. What a great word. I like them almost as much as the times scripture says but God. :)

Habakkuk knows what is important. He says amidst all of this loss and suffering that he will rejoice in the Lord. He will take JOY in the God of his salvation. He proclaims God is his strength and it will be only through God that he will tread on his high places.

What comfort! When we truly believe this; that God is our strength, our joy, our hope, we can survive and even thrive in the midst of the pain we suffer. However, this is not automatic if you are a believer. It is a choice, and honestly, it can be a very hard one at times. Saturating myself in scripture and prayer aided me during our darkest seasons. There were times I didn't feel like it or didn't see any fruit of my study. It was/is a process. There are good days and bad days. However, as I made this choice over and over again, the joy became stronger and stronger.

Do I still hurt from the loss of our babies? Absolutely. Do I still see pregnant women or tiny newborns and grieve? Yes. But God in His goodness and mercy also fills me with joy. Joy for these new moms, joy for the new life He has brought into the world, joy for the things Mark and I have been able to do because of the hardships we have faced (fostering for example).

I want to encourage you to choose joy. If you are struggling with loss or some other hardship, seek the Lord. He is our joy and our strength. Even if you don't feel like it, read His word. It never returns void and is all we need. Find someone to talk to who will point you back to Jesus, time and time again. And remember, healing is a process. It doesn't happen overnight, but trust in God's goodness and He will see you through. I love you all!