When the Lord is near, but you can't feel Him

So the past few weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions and we aren't out of the woods yet. Our foster son, who has been with us since Feb 19, 2019 is in the process of transitioning to his biological grandparent's house. I am not going to go into the whole story of how this has come to be, just that it has been a roller coaster of feelings and emotions.

We love this little man, but we have known from the beginning that he was only on loan. At least that's how we try to view foster care. We love them for as long as they need to be loved....whether 5 days or forever. It is all very easy to say. It is not so easy to live day in and day out. Mark and I were faced with the choice earlier on whether or not we wanted to adopt James if/when the time came. What we once thought would be a natural and very easy decision plagued us and at times made me feel like the worst of people.

I hated that my heart and my mind couldn't agree and that it wasn't an astounding yes! There is no doubt that I love that boy, so why was this a hard question to answer and why was my heart full of doubts and fears? I can't answer that. I know from way before James, Mark and I knew if we ever adopted we would want a closed adoption so there would be no doubt in our son/daughter's life who were there parents and no confusion on who to call mom/dad. When they got older, we knew we would have those conversations with them and allow them to have contact if it was safe when they were older and we felt they could handle all the emotions and such that come along with that. This didn't seem to be what was best for James.

We began to pray that the Lord would make our decision for us and that we would be submissive to His will. That is when the grandparents entered the picture. It seemed that was the Lord's answer. James would be with biological family. We were stunned, sad, excited, heart broken, happy; you name it, we felt it. Still do. I don't understand my feelings sometimes. Do you ever feel that way? On one side, I am excited for the new aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc that he is inheriting. On the other, I am sad to know our part in his story is almost over. How can I feel so contradictory? The transition itself hasn't happened yet so there is always something that could change or the path could alter in some way. I have no idea what is going to happen for sure. It is very hard for me to function in this chaos. I feel like I am out at sea just being tossed around. My feelings are all over place, not to mention those of Mark and the kids.

I praise the Lord for verses like Psalm 34:18 that state the Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. At times, my spirit feels crushed. I am brokenhearted even though I believe this is what's best. I feel like a walking contradiction. But the Lord is near and He will save me. He holds me up and no matter what lies ahead, He is in control and will see me through it. I don't understand why all of this is happening and why I have such conflicting thoughts and feelings, but they do not surprise Him. Nothing is outside of His control and I am thankful for His perfect sovereignty.

So, if you see me in the next few weeks and I seem off or strange, don't mind me. I am just battling through some difficult and hard feelings. Pray for us. Pray more specifically for James as he is young and doesn't fully understand what is going on. If this transition takes place, it will be hard for all of us, even if we end up happy about it. It is change and change can be difficult. I feel like this post is all kinds of crazy, so I apologize for the chaos. I am working on reminding myself of God's nearness even when I might not be feeling it in the moment. Let's all try to rest in His grace and unending love for us, no matter the situation we are facing. Till next time. Love you all.